innocence

10 years ago, I was 14.

10 years ago, I got hurt.

10 years ago, I lost my innocence.

I remember it was summer break and I just finished 8^th grade, when I got invited to my first High school party.

I remember the shirt I wore, the jeans I had on, thinking how pretty my hair looked and how excited I was.

I remember walking through the field toward the woods where I could hear the music and see the people mingling around the bonfire.

I remember hoping everyone would think I was cool and that maybe I could make some friends.

I remember how quickly it went from dusk to darkness.

I remember the glow of the full moon and the crackling of the bonfire.

I remember how the guys made sure my drink was never empty.

I remember feeling the burn slide down my throat as I took my first shot.

I remember drunkenly stumbling alone through the woods searching for a safe place to pee.

I remember voices following behind me: cat-calling, whistling, laughing.

I remember looking back and shouting into the dark “stop following me”.

I remember tripping and hitting my head when I fell to the ground.

I remember the voices were suddenly surrounding me.

I remember waking up in the back of a pick-up bed with an irritating headache; my whole body ached like every muscle had been strained.

I remember hearing birds chirping as I pull out of my deep sleep.

I remember realizing my jeans were unbuttoned and unzipped.

I remember reaching down to zip my jeans and noticing that they were stiff and crusty.

I remember laying there trying to recall the night; why am I so sore, why am I bruised, did I fall, what did I spill all over myself, I hope I didn’t act like an idiot.

I remember slowly sitting up, then looking down at myself.

I remember seeing the dried blood covering my jeans in between my legs.

I remember the sinking feeling in my heart.

I remember the throbbing I felt in between my legs as I walked home.

I don’t remember having sex.

I don’t remember if I said no.

I don’t remember who it was with or how many guys.

I don’t remember if everyone stood around watching.

I don’t remember if I liked the guy or even knew him.

I don’t remember if I was coherent or passed out.

I don’t remember what my first time felt like or if I enjoyed it.

10 years later I’m 24

10 years later I’m still hurt.

10 years later I know I will never get my innocence back.

10 years later I remember the night I can’t remember,

that I’ll never forget.